surprises

Yesterday I drove Ryan’s car to work, because I was low on gas and he had half a tank. (Don’t worry, I discussed it with him first… I didn’t just steal it!) When I got home, Ryan had cleaned out my car AND vacuumed it AND gotten all the dust bunnies off of my dashboard. I was pleasantly surprised, but I don’t think I gave him quite the reaction he wanted, and so I ended up getting a bit of a lecture on keeping my car clean. I was a little hurt by it, because it seemed a bit like the sweet surprise was tempered by an opportunity to point out my faults.

I know that I am flawed, and I don’t need my flaws pointed out to me. Like most human beings (except those with extremely swollen egos), I am well aware of my shortcomings and am pretty self-critical. People who know me may think that I’m pretty comfortable with myself, but I do have my private moments of insecurity. And I know that I can’t hide my faults from other people, but by living a life of acceptance and change, I’m trying to make myself a pleasant person to be around, in spite of my faults. To have them dragged out in front of me is like a parade of misery for me, because it forces me to confront them in front of other people… like being on trial for them, almost. I’d prefer to confront them one-on-one, in the mirror or in my head or even in my blog.

At any rate… I don’t want to seem ungrateful about Ryan cleaning out my car. It was an awesome surprise, and he filled up my car last night for me, which was incredibly sweet. I just don’t want nice gestures – by him, by me, by anybody – to become a commodity. We should all just do nice things for one another without expecting anything in return, whether it’s an action or an object or whatever. A little unrequited kindness isn’t forgotten.

In other news, I guess my temp agency knows I’m looking for something permanent now. I applied with the HR department at Citi and got a callback from the folks up in Dallas, and I’m supposed to have a phone interview this afternoon. They called me this morning to confirm that I am indeed a temp (or that my position is being eliminated) because otherwise I guess I wouldn’t be eligible. Go figure. I don’t think my position is being eliminated, because I am getting more and more embroiled in various functions within the department, but I feel like for all the extra stuff they’re putting on my plate, I should at least have BENEFITS, for crying out loud.

Bowling night tonight, but I’m going solo, as Ryan is heading out to visit his friend John to sample his homemade beer. It’ll be a lonely night tonight… at least I have the dogs to keep me company at home.

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